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These are the movies that if some old folk dumped them it in your Halloween basket, you’d make a face, ignore it for as long as possible but, once you’ve destroyed the M&Ms, the Twizzlers and Reeses, you’re going to stick your hand because, fuck it, you’re on a roll. Unlike the rest of the talentless ass monkeys in Hollywood, this Mexican madman has a vision. Yes, it gives you diabetes, but that’s This, if this is candy, this category is filled with the Charleston Chews, the Werther’s Originals, and the Orange Starbursts of movies.

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So, naturally, they kill every mutherfucker they can…because that’s…what people do…?

I don’t know about y’all, but I just wish I could turn my life into the fucking once a year. And I’m not talking about Rush Limbaugh after going up a short flight of stairs. Snyder then tried to make amens, or something of the sort, deciding to craft the woefully misguided and unintentionally ultra-mysogynistic And since he’s playing Jor-El, there’s a very good chance of that. Maybe Snyder has learned a little about filmmaking since Oh Pixar. How glorious you once were, soaring above the plebeians, dousing us once a year with a golden egg seemingly sent from the muses of heaven.

Well, their years of circling around the inevitable have finally come to an end. I’m talking, swinging-testicles-free-from-pants-and-flying-in-the-wind genius. You don’t get points for making them a) black, b) a child, c) a black child, d) gay or e) a black, gay child. This, my friends, is the Time of Turds, the Armpit of Art, the Peril of Perry. Those of you who read my articles last year, you know, when I was writing articles and such, you will know that I have four distinct and essential categories of summer film: first, the coveted Movies I Want to See, you know, the films that get my fan boy goulies all twisted up with some kind of Joss-Whedon Family-Jewel Juice (Patent-pending). This is usually where the most weeping occurs, fair warning to you all. They’re the movies you will one day catch on TV when you have the flu and, due to general weakness and the fear of self-defecation, can’t reach the control. These are the movies where aerial-barfing is a glorified art, farts are as revered as strings to Tchaikovsky, where pedophilia is the These are the movies that, if I had the chance to condemn something to eternal damnation, they’d be at the top of the fucking list ready to be shoved down Beelzebub’s throbbing gullet. Yes, ironically, the hottest lady in the cast was assigned to the part of the gothic supposed-lesbian. Like seriously, Charlie Sheen and Nick Nolte are kinda fun, but they’re not role models, Linds. I’d say ‘get it together’, but I suppose it’s too late for that now. Janis Ian, though a badass in so many ways, is psychotic.

Yes, we all believed that they would eventually suck themselves into their own anuses but, while many assumed it had occurred on the set of they deliver this little puppy into theaters. Until they do something worthy of our interest, they are simply slabs of meat readied for the oncoming abattoir of choice. These are the movies that, when their glorious cheeky grins spread across the movieplex, I’m reduced to a galloping and insufferable child, returned once more to my days of hiding behind the couch when that Nazi’s head explodes at the end of This is Class A, premium cut, top quality ass meat (but the good kind of ass…like rump, you know, not-anus meat). But seriously, who smacked that girl with the DAY-UM stick? What shocks me still is how honest, charming and innocent her performance as Cady Heron actually is. We must all watch the Lohan descend into her misery, lost in the purgatory of tarnished stars. Her obsession with bringing down Regina assaults the girl’s love-life, her friends and, finally, her health.

So many, in fact, that I decided to sort them all into thematic twosomes. Well, let’s stop trying to stave off the inevitable and just chow down on these sugary pieces of digital entertainment destined for the bottom of the bargain bin. Not sated with fighting the apocalypse with a dog, he had to drag his son into the mix, bright-eyed and destined for stardom/cocaine addiction Jaden Smith. Which is ironic, because the trailers scream that he’s going to get fucked up in this movie. Thems baboons are gonna themselves a jiggy-with-it Smith-skewer. It’s like there’s some kind of artistic hitman out to destroy all that Del Toro touches.

I just shrug, allow the experience to slip from my skin like some kind of soul-sucking, art-sucking, mind-sucking, suck-sucking oil designed to drive audiences to the point of utter wide-eyed non-beingness. So, if I can’t get angry about the movies then I’ll fucking get angry that I more than is acceptable. I haven’t even spent it yet and I already want it back! William “The Freshest of Princes” Smith is probably the rip-off and walk out alive. And, like a director with an eerily similar name, Terry Gilliam, his movies tend to die before they even have a chance to be born.

as well as the addition of Guy “If Vanilla Were to Take Human Form” Pearce as boring bad guy number 1 and the ubiquitous Ben “I Have a Lot of Ex-Wives” Kingsley as the dangerously-close-to-racism-if-they-aren’t--careful Mandarin. Now, I won’t O over the keyboard for yet another RDJ speed-speak competition. Through all of this seasonal mediocrity finally a morsel worth supping upon. I think the Nerd Discussion Boards crashed faster than Evil Kineval on a bad day, loaded with death threats and rages of the pimpled variety. To say that we all let out a sigh of relief would be like saying people were ‘slightly excited’ about the return of the Mc Rib. That’s right, the Federation is fucked because, for some reason, they pissed off Sherlock “Gun to My Head? That’s right, JJ Abrams, the man tasked with rebooting the two greatest science fiction series of all time, has decided to insert so many juggernauts of nerd-joy into this thing that he seemingly intends to force a critical mass of squee, a chain reaction of dork-bliss, a nuclear blast of fan-person-doo-doo-batter and unravel the fabric of the universe. That’s right, folks, the Rear Admiral of Snark is about to admiral his rear in the direction of some of these seasonal stinkers. They’re a pack of gummy worms, of Reese’s Pieces, of sugar-encrusted cola bottles because, fuck, I certainly wasn’t getting enough sugar when I bought the regular old 100% sugar treat designed to taste like a drink made of 100% pure cane white gold. You eat and gorge and stuff and suck and, before you know it, you’re three hundred pounds getting a Reese’s Hysterectomy (full disclosure: not really sure what a hysterectomy is, but it sounds cool – fuller disclosure: it’ll be different. This list of cinematic delicacy is really only palatable with a handle of Jack and, let’s say, another handle of Jack to wash the first one down. That’s right, Jack Daniels should have a goddamn Oscar for Best Supporting-My-Ability-to-Sit-Through-This is probably my favorite category of film…in that I fucking hate it and love it all at once. Sometimes my head hurts because of people." alt="" src="https://netflixroulette.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/18814168-r_640_600-b_1_d6d6d6-f_jpg-q_x-xxyxx.jpg?

There will be funny lines, over the top action and, most importantly, Ben Kingsley wearing Ray Bans and speaking with an accent that rivals Bane for what-the-fuckery. isn’t just a dumb stoner comedy and yet, it almost always is. It’s going to be violent, dumb, and Hit Girl is delightful. If it weren’t a horrific Obam-ian sci-fi faux pas, I’d say that there had been a disturbance in the Force. I mean, all I would have to do is point out that Spock intends to cut open the heads of the Enterprise’s crew to steal their powers, Chekhov will have to go back in time to impregnate Sarah Conner, Sulu is going to get lost on his way to White Castle, Bones is going to save Helm’s Deep from the forces of Saruman, Uhura is going to turn blue and hiss at things, and Scottie is going to defend a pub against zombies. Well, it seems the crew, hot off the victory over Eric Bana playing, I guess, a crazy Roman emperor with some serious skin and rage issues, are taking it easy. All we need now is for the Star Wars reboot to include David Tenant, Nathan Fillion, Sir Ian Mc Kellan, Matt Smith, Patrick Stewart and, let’s say, Daryl from Posted: April 24, 2013 in Action, American, Comedy, Cult, English-Language, RELAPSE, Sci-Fi, Summer Tags: adam sandler, david bowie, entertainment, evil dead, labyrinth, michael bay, movies, summer movies, temptation, tyler perry I have awoken once more. Mama bear has risen from her den of lazy iniquity, doing her best to ignore the last four months of utter penis-drizzle that has decorated our silver screens (Pro-tip, if your movie theater is sticky, use disinfectant). Do I think it’s absurd that I’m talking about summer movies while still wearing a scarf because it’s thirty fucking degrees outside? Because when I moved to this back-asswards town they call Chi, I knew what I was signing up for. We all hear ourselves saying it: “But guys, maybe they’ll get Wolverine right this time? Can’t remember the name of it, but it’ll come back to me. If one were to witness these gifts from the filmic gods while under the satanic influence of sobriety, one might be tempted to claw one’s eyes out, or sex one’s mother, or something else of the Greek persuasion. If I publicized my relationship with this category on Facebook, it would be ‘It’s Complicated’ followed by a really awkward picture of me licking the DVD case of Finally and absolutely lastly, the fourth category: Movies That Want So Much For Me to Like Them to the Point They’d Roofie Me, Throw Me in the Back of Their VW and Then Gradually Reeducate Me While Having Me Strapped to a Chair in their Parents’ Basement. They woo me with their Zack Galifinakises, their casts of the Daily Show, their Senor Changs…but then the product they offer up is about as palatable as a dinner at Courtney Love’s new restaurant chain, “Needles N’ Noodles” (don’t get the lo mien, I beg you. w=300&h=195" width="300" height="195" srcset="https://netflixroulette.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/18814168-r_640_600-b_1_d6d6d6-f_jpg-q_x-xxyxx.jpg? w=300&h=195 300w, https://netflixroulette.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/18814168-r_640_600-b_1_d6d6d6-f_jpg-q_x-xxyxx.jpg? w=150&h=98 150w, https://netflixroulette.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/18814168-r_640_600-b_1_d6d6d6-f_jpg-q_495w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" / There are a few things to note, a few revelations, if you will, that occurred during this film. Anyone who knows that place, works in that place or has any connection to that place, will suddenly be offered a level of understanding that brings almost euphoric bliss at the brutal and unrelenting satire on display.

Fuck it, even though civilization is destroyed, let’s put together the most expensive and complex construction project known to man since the mutherfucking pyramids.” Also, I’m half expecting, since Del Toro hired the voice of GLa DOS from that all of the robots will turn on the humans and begin ‘testing’ with a side helping of imaginary cake.

Best case scenario, Idris Elba yells, things blow up, we cheer.

But then their dumbass kid was audacious enough to show ’empathy’, the little bitch, and saves a man’s life. Basically, it’s , I find that both worrying and calming. Or, better yet, change the plot of the movie to not include Native Americans. Here we have a movie trailer that actually, shockingly, looked kind of alright. Yes, he made a wonderful, if bone-headed and paper-thin splash on the scene with the raucous , the filmic equivalent of that guy who sits in the weight area of the gym with his legs spread wide in order for him to watch his own throbbing boner and shrunken testes as he pumps iron. Now, Yes, I know the execs want to boost toy sales and, shit, a universe of fluffy mildly threatening creatures is a toy maker’s wet dream. Perhaps they’re just the goose whose golden eggs have dried up. Finally, and probably leastly, let’s be real, we have the surreal entry into this year’s ‘middling’ category. After the bizarre misappropriation of Three-Mile Island, but before he got seriously Mc Kellan-ed (yes, that’s a sex move.

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